EverTokki

늘 준비해왔었다고 생각했다

언제나 핸드폰을 열면 그 소식이 들려올거라는것도 알고 있었다

그냥 곧, 두달정도만 더 버티면 다시 만날 수 있을거라고 생각했다

그렇게 생각해왔던지라 무의식적으로 그 사실을 무시하고 있었기 때문에 더 할머니 소식을 안 물어봤던걸지도 모른다

마지막으로 통화했던게 지난달이었던가

근데 막상 소식을 들으니까 다르다

나는 그동안 나를 사랑해주신것에 감사하고, 마지막까지 고생하신것에 대해 안타까워해야하는가

누군가를 안타까워하기엔 난 그럴 자격이 없다

하지만 내가 사랑했던 존재가 이 세상에 없다는게 느껴지니 너무 슬프다

오늘 할머니는 5년의 길고 힘든 싸움을 마치시고 하늘나라로 떠나셨습니다

아직도 와닿지는 않지만 삼가 고인의 명복을 빕니다. 

할머니 사랑해요

I have ranted for a while. Writing down random ideas was my thing for a long time. And I eventually found a perfect title for the random things I come with. "Today's rant". 

If you look more closely, you'll notice they're like diary entries. More like my train of thoughts on that particular moment. I open my laptop to rant down on something I felt, something I remembered or something I'm planning to do. I feel like they're little drawers of the past that I can open in the future and say, "Hey. I was pretty thoughtful in writing this."

It's been about three years since I've started writing my rants. Yes, they're diary entries to be completely honest. However.. You'll see how many diaries I've had in the past and that I've never really gotten past the fifth day writing those. Diary writing was never my thing. 

But! Ranting is my thing. It's become some sort of tradition by now. Some promise. Some promise I know I'll come back to. An assignment I'm comfortable with.  

So far, I've been satisfied looking back at my past rants. I'm sometimes surprised. I don't remember saying particular things.

Well, today I had a hot-dog for lunch and a burger (and fries) for dinner. What a day.

Followup on the following rant: http://evertokki.tistory.com/202

~Obligatory introductory paragraph~

So. It's been five months since I've written this post. And there's events that happened in my life that I want to follow up with. Some exciting things, others a little more boring, and some more just to reiterate my point. A lot of things happened. I rode a plane by myself. It was a 10 hour long flight. I sat to a couple. They told me how I reminded them of their son. I had a few thoughts to myself. I wondered when my parents could travel like the couple they were. Out of their long due responsibilities, nothing to worry about. No work, no kid to take care of.

I'm deviating from the original topic. Let's get straight into this.

Regarding the following sections:

I've been at university for approximately 20 days now. I have been much less frequent on forums, and I don't find this to be concerning at all. I feel separate from the internet. Whatever happens online does not affect me in any way possible, because I have good friends, I'm on track, and I know my internet friends are also supportive of me taking this path. 

Seriously, all the emo days I've had and all the stress, concerns I've gotten from the internet for the past nine months? Gone. I've got more important matters to deal with and I've got more closer social relationships to build that are tangible and real. Right in front of me, instead of miles away.

Let me tell a story related to my hobby though. My main goal of coming to university was to share my passion of gaming with others. And you know what? I did. I made a friend who plays osu!, and a friend who plays League of Legends. I've got about four more friends willing to learn League (Although I'll try to think about the choices I make. This isn't one of the good ones.) and it honestly feels great. Being able to share a passion IRL seriously feels much more stable, more solid and not to mention you could hit them up any time - well, not literally - and go play a few games with them.

This still exists, and it's part of the reason I'm more reluctant to talk with the community I've been with. I know it's at the back of everyone's minds. No matter how masculine I act, no matter what. My gender is, and will continue to be an object at least within the community I am currently active in. I have no desire to change that fact, nor others have the willingness to follow whatever I say. This is called coexisting. I don't touch anything; they don't, either.

I now have a group of friends. They're kinda overscheduling themselves and I understand but I feel like they're trying to overdo themselves... And that doesn't end that well, to be honest. I'll see how it goes but I can see myself being less frequent with them. Because I'm busy. Because I have lots of material to cover. Otherwise it's been great. Everyone's so kind and knows how to respect each other and I feel respected.

There's also another group of nerdies that I've hung out for a day. And that day left a strong impression on me. I miss them. I haven't seen them since that day though.. Basically they were kids from the Faculty of Sciences, but they had similar humor and interests as I did. Hanging out with them felt like I was in the right place. But since we live so far away (it's a 20 minute walk by foot from my house to theirs although we all live on campus) I've never gotten a chance to meet them ever since. Bummed.

And there are my two friends who share the same interests as I do. I really miss them too. I want to meet them soon, but I don't know when that will be. I really need to play osu! together. It's gonna be fun.

This still stands true. I'm afraid of being judged. I always overthink about what people think of me. I am nervous and cannot keep conversations going. I think about the most boring topics ever. But I've made quite some friends, and I'm happy I did so. I'm excited for the school year (but a lot scared too). It's going to be great.

개강한지 이틀.

집에 돌아와서 힘들어서 한숨쉬다가 나도 모르게 "죽고싶다.."라고 중얼거렸다.

내가 한 말을 듣고 내가 더 놀랐던듯.

마지막으로 이랬던게 거진 일년 전인가.

오스 금단현상인건지 뭔지.

우울한 하루였다.

교수님은 수업 끝나면 날 거들떠도 안보지, 애들은 개미떼처럼 많지, 수업은 지루한데다가 

카운셀러들도 바쁘고 내 말을 들어줄 사람이 하나도 없었던 날.

So I was looking at old stuff, from somewhen around 2013-2015. 

This time around was kind of a life changing experience for me so to say.

Mid 2012, a Korean Drama called "Phantom" aired; it was about the cyber police and hackers.

That's when I was like "oh that's cool as heck!!"

(And at this time there were about 2500 more kids who felt the same way)

With a little search I was able to find a forum made for kids around my age to study hacking and stuff. It was rather full of scriptkiddies but little did I know about this world. Though, instead of getting into game hacks or little skills that'd break websites here and there (xss was a huge thing) I rather went into learning the C language. Of course my dream was to become the cyber police.

March 2013. I was still learning C. What a dumbass Well, I was kinda done with C, and I was tired of it. I never got into more than the basics, so I could solve Dovelet problems (like algorithm-related problems) but nothing like playing with APIs, graphics, etc. I started to look into CTFs. Miscellaneous problems were fun so I'd take a look at those and chat up with other people participating. I played a little with forensics and cryptography. I never got deep into those.

September 2013. I got accepted (more like invited) to team LeaveRet by a friend I've known since 2012. (He's still a close friend.) This is where I started learning the really basics of syshack(system hacking). You can see my studies in the category ~ 2015/Lord of the BOF. Learned a lot about system architecture, and those things that I can't remember one bit.

Overall I'm not really that logical and I don't math well either so I'm really unfit for these number stuff. I eventually gave up when I started to feel burned out trying to even understand Return-Oriented Programming. I literally spent months trying to understand the basics and failing to do so. Though, I wouldn't call those days wasted. It was a time I was passionate about something, and I really wanted to become a security enthusiast. Although I barely made any progress it was a good time.

By early 2015 I said goodbye to my teammates. I wasn't doing any progress nor helping them with anything on their competitions. Staying in the team seemed rather pointless and not beneficial to me either. I was losing too much time reading research papers I didn't understand, and I had to focus more on my schoolwork. I think this was a good time to quit the team though. Looking back, I was really, really afraid to leave since I was afraid I'd regret it later on. I don't regret it at all. I don't know how much longer I could've spent on trying to understand ROP, when I could be having more fun doing schoolwork and playing with friends.

Since then my dream has changed once again. Now I want to be a developer. I'm debating between a game graphic programmer (working with the graphics team to make sure all graphics function well and are programmed to do what they should) or a game server developer (or game developer is fine too). The former seems rather unlikely regarding my lack of art-related history but latter seems quite a tough goal for me to achieve. 

Hopefully I'll be able to fulfill my expectations. When I get the time (and maybe brain) to resume my studies on system security, I really want to try again too.

케이윌 - 이러지마 제발

K.will - Please don't...

나란히 앉은 자동차 속에선

음악도 흐르지 않아

Inside the car where we sit together

No music plays

늘 잡고 있던 니 왼손으로

너 입술만 뜯고 있어

You're only picking at your lips

With the left hand I've always held

니가 할 말 알아 그 말만은 말아

Don’t know why Don’t know why

I know what you're going to say, please don't say it

Don’t know why Don’t know why

일분 일초 더 끌고 싶은데

텅 빈 길 나를 재촉해

I want to drag on every minute, every second

But the empty road urges me on

빙빙 돌아온

너의 집 앞이 나 익숙해 눈물이 나와

After taking the far route around

Your house looks too familiar, tears start to fall

하루가 멀게 찾아온 여기서

길을 내가 잃은 것 같아

After searching for this place all day

Seems like I am the one lost here

이러지마 제발 떠나지마 제발

Don’t know why Don’t know why

Please don't, please don't leave

Don’t know why Don’t know why

비도 안 오는 유리창 넘어

뿌옇게 멀어지는 너

Outside the window that isn't even raining

You grow blurry as you move further away

말처럼 쉽진 않은

널 보내야 한다는 일

Not as easy as it sounds

To be able to send you away

돌아서서 날 버리고 가는

널 보지 못하고 떨구고 마는

눈물도 이젠 닦아야겠지 주머니 속 니가 줬던

손수건을 써야 할 지 이젠 버려야 할지

왜 떨림이 멈추질 않지

I have to wipe the tears I shed while my back is turned to you,

not being able to see you leaving me behind 

Should I use the handkerchief inside my pocket that 

you've given me, or should I throw it away

Why can't I stop this trembling

미친척하고 널 잡아 보려 해도

내 몸이 내 말을 잘 듣지를 않아

Even if I try to catch you, pretending to be crazy

My body won't listen to me well

차 안에 남은 니 향기에 취해

영영 깨고 싶지 않은걸

Intoxicated from your scent left in the car

I don't want to wake up forever

이러지마 제발(제발) 떠나지마 제발(제발)

돌아와 (돌아와) 돌아와 (돌아와)

Please don't (please), please don't leave (please)

Come back (come back), come back (come back)

니가 떠나간 빈자리 위엔

차가운 향기만 남아

Only cold scent fills in

The empty place you've left behind

이러지마 제발 떠나지마 제발

돌아와(돌아와) 돌아와(돌아와)

Please don't, please don't leave

Come back (come back), come back (come back)

남은 향기만 안고 있을게

돌아와 니 자리로

I'll hold onto what is left of the scent

Come back to where you should be

sad ;-;

네 품에 안겨

in your arms.

기분 좋은 설레임

운동화 끈을 매고서

떠나는 내 뒷모습 초라해 보이지만

A pleasant flutter

Tying my laces and leaving the house

My back may look shabby

바람을 따라,

내 맘도 따라

Following the wind,

Following my heart

소나기가 내리네 나의 오후

A shower passes by, my afternoon

[x2]

---

향기로운 와인과 달콤한 케익 한 조각

Fragrant wine and a slice of sweet cake

지친 하루 외로운 내 맘을 위로하네

Soothes my lonely heart of a tiring day

바람을 따라,

내 맘도 따라

Following the wind,

Following my heart

소나기가 내리네 나의 오후

A shower passes by, my afternoon

---

기분 좋은 설레임

운동화 끈을 매고서

떠나는 내 뒷모습 초라해 보이지만

A pleasant flutter

Tying my laces and leaving the house

My back may look shabby

바람을 따라,

내 맘도 따라

Following the wind,

Following my heart

소나기가 내리네 나의 오후

A shower passes by, my afternoon

[x2]

Three people I have found myself to find attractive in my life.

One, lost respect when we started discussing feminism

Two, never had anything to respect him for, but he's a really nice friend

Three, lost respect when his tone changed just because we became close friends

Respect is not that hard to keep but is really easy to lose