EverTokki

닿을 듯 말듯

사라질 듯 말듯

너랑 대화할 때면 너무 좋은데 

네가 없으면 너무 외로워

있잖아, 수업 같이 듣는 애가 하나 있는데

너랑은 너무 다른데, 또 다른 매력이 있어

우린 서로의 이름밖에 모르는데 말이야

(혹시 몰라서 하는 말이지만 다른 생각은 없어, 난 지금도 네가 너무 좋은걸)

하지만 걔랑 대화할 때면 네 생각이 나

내 모든 대화를 들어주는 너

내가 무엇을 하소연하든 괜찮다고 말해주는 너

너는 아직도 매일 내 생각만 하고 있을까

혹여 다른 사람을 만나진 않을까

난 매일매일이 이렇게나 힘든데 오랜 시간을 버틸수 있을지 난 잘 모르겠어

어쩌다 넌 나같은 사람을 만난건지

우린 왜 그렇게 죽이 잘 맞던건지

24시간 넘게 떨어져 있는 거리에 사는데

어쩌다 마주치게 된건지

근데 무서워

어떻게 될지 모르겠어

너는 이렇게나 날 위해줬는데 내가 다 보답해줄지 못할까봐

상처만 남기고 끝날까봐 무서워

아직도 서로 이렇게나 좋아하는데

끝은 해피엔딩이 아닐까봐

Let's go to see the stars and the moon

I'll fly far into space as long as I am with you

The light in my bright eyes when you are near

The flutter i feel in my chest when you are here

I can't explain this kind of love

It pulls me to you, I want it, I can't get enough

So share this precious life with me

Just take my hand and let's enjoy the things that we'll see.

우울한 한 해였나보다. 단어구름이.. 우울하다. 근데 우울했던것에 비해서는 잘 지내고 있다. 2018년도 잘 부탁해요, 티스토리 그리고 여러분.

I remembered I got accepted into MEng Comp Sci at University of Bristol.

I kinda regret making my decision to come here, where it's really difficult to get into the computer science program and risking all this stress. The MEng program was much more structured and hard core, looking at C in first year along with other courses that seemed tough and helpful to understand computers. It's also a 5 year program in which you can earn a Masters, along with an Engineering degree.

However, I've also met great people here, and I won't regret coming here if I end up getting into CPSC. So that's my only hope. Getting into computer sciences. Hopefully I'll make it.

I have a few traits, that I think, others would deem as "unfavorable" and even "pathetic" and/or "sociopatheic" if I ever show that part of myself. I'm guessing everyone has one, their meaner/darker selves they really don't want to share with others. This has been stressing me out for a long time. I hated dealing with my pathetic part of myself, not being able to share it with anyone and becoming more disappointed in myself without being able to find a resolution. It's not really something you would share, to be honest, unless to a counsellor or something. 

Recently I've found someone who I was able to share this to. I was able to tell them about how I felt and really tell them about what I thought was concerning of myself. They did not judge at all. Instead, they asked why it was making me uncomfortable. I still feel unsure of myself, but maybe they believe in me more than I do. I feel a lot more assured, a lot less worried. I don't really know what to say, it's been quite an enlightening experience and a very interesting connection we've made and it's really weird, I've been enjoying it.

Why did I like travelling?

Because I make a lot of mistakes and make a lot of social connections I don't desire. (Usually this is my fault as I've always been afraid to truly be myself in front of others, hence creating an image of myself that I did not believe to be myself in truth.) So far in my life, travelling to a new country has been my escape, my part of lifestyle to ditch the previous social connections I've made that I wasn't satisfied with. I've left a lot of my friends behind. I have ghosted many, many friends' messages in the past. I was not ready to keep socializing with people I thought I would never meet again, or people I just didn't feel like I was close enough to.

I realized they were great friends and I hope the best for them. I'm thankful for their attempts at keeping social contact. Many have left and probably met better friends than who I was a few years or even months ago. I've changed drastically in the three months I've come to uni, and I have learned a lot of things. I've regained contact with previous friends that I have ghosted. I'm thankful for those who I've regained contact recently and from now on I'll try my best to keep contacting them. 

Why do I like being on an airplane?

When on an airplane, I don't have any responsibilities. My only responsibility is to arrive there safe. I have little luggage on hand. When I'm at school, I have to study, keep grades intact, keep my social life intact, feed myself so that I don't die. Wash clothes, shower, clean room. When I'm in Korea, I have to meet my family, try and spend as much time with them because chances are, who knows how long you'll be able to spend time with these people. Every moment is valuable, that's what I learned from years of being a borderless nomad.

So... I like being on an airplane. There's no hurry for anything. The time's there for me and myself only. I have around 10 hours to do anything I want, nothing to be stressful for, and that's why I look forward to being on an airplane.

I am going to slowly write about my depression, how I feel at this moment, the reason of fear, and what I wish to do. Probably something my counsellor would like to read as it is much harder to organize my thoughts / to list every source of depression while speaking. (it's easier to miss details) 

Pre pre depression, lethargy through high school. Didn't want to study, felt tired. Always slept late without having any solid outcomes. 

Pre depression. The last two months of university. Screwed up sleep schedule (sleep 2-4am, wake up 10-11am), messy room, messy schedule for myself. I attended every meeting or event on time, but couldn't stick to my laundry/study/shower schedule I thought for myself. Sometimes slept through/woke up late to lectures only to doze off during lectures. Felt super horrible for sleeping off a class that my parents paid tuition for.

Depression. Super screwed up sleep schedule. Sleeping at 4am seems like a breeze, cannot wake up early. Started sleeping through alarms (5+ of them), wake up 2-3pm feeling like absolute crap. Scared that I might miss a 8:30AM finals sleeping like this. Glad my job ended before the finals season. Lazy to meet up with friends, missed two events that I said I'd go to.

Have been eating about 1.5x the amount I've been eating this term for the week, but more so because I've tried to spend less money on food this term. So eating right now, rather, is the normal amount I should get. Though I've eaten about one or two meals average per day for the past week, one meal yesterday. 

Tried to study, cannot focus for more than 5 minutes. I either fall asleep, go on a SNS, chat to friends, or just spend some more time anxious and blank with the fear I might fail this final. (The final tomorrow is a pass or fail depending on the score on my final.) I'm also scared since I'm pulling an all nighter, afraid I might miss my alarm for the 8:30AM final. I could've slept earlier, but I couldn't study the whole day so I'll have to pull one. I am pretty confident this is not harming my balance as I have woken up 3PM today after an 11 hours of sleep. 

My plan is to take the exam, reward myself with bubble tea, come back to dorm, take a good sleep. I won't have to be worried for exams for another good solid four days so I am pretty excited for it. But then I know I must defeat this final before even thinking about that, which I am not even ready for. I don't know what to think, I'm just anxious and disappointed in myself.

Some reasons:

- I think I'm not achieving as much as how much my parents put in

- international tuition fees are ass

- dad doesn't make that much to be able to pay tuition and not to worry about my outcome

- people tell me "you're not that financially troubled to be worried about your family's financial status all the time", which i think is true, but we're not that financially stable to be not worried about my outcome either

- its sad how perfectly happy i am and just being dragged down only by academics

- maybe studying isnt for me but then i've come too far to give up

- like i really dont want to care but there's still guilt saying nah you shouldda care, caused by the moneys spent into my education

- I've lived the "ideal" life, like parents investing tons in education and living overseas but the outcome isnt too special compared to this "special" life i've lived and my parents dont even want much, they want me to be happy and ordinarily achieving in academics yet I think I'm pathetic and underachieved

- never really had willpower in my life except for gaming which im not even exceptionally good at

The more I stay on the internet, the more I realize people just need someone to talk to.

This is easy online, because you know the person you're talking to is a complete stranger. You don't have to be scared of them badmouthing you to someone else, to your friend, relatives, etc. You might never really get to know the person you're talking to, but maybe that's also the good side of the internet. I dunno, stranger. If I've ever been a help to you, I'm glad.

우상

우상이 생겼다. 예전에도 있었다고 생각했는데, 이건 확실히 인생 멘토이다. 느낌이 다르다.

리브렛 팀멤버분들은 우상이었지만, 닮고 싶다는 생각을 하긴 했지만, 실천은 하지 않았었다. 그냥 우러러보았던 것이지. 지금도 닮고 싶다는 생각은 하지만 실천을 할 자신은 없다. 

컴퓨터 공학 랩 수업중 어떤 조교분을 만났다. 카리스마가 넘치는 분이었다. 설명도 잘 해주시고, 친절하시고. 조금 스토킹(?!!) 해보았더니 이미 좋은 조교로 유명하신 분이었다. 대화를 조금 나눌 때마다 내가 너무 과하게 흥분하지 않았나 싶다..

세상은 이런 사람들이 있어서 살만한 것 같다.

일단 목표는 내년에 컴공 조교에 붙는 것이고, 컴공학과에 붙으면, 깃헙에서 포트폴리오를 열심히 작성하는 것이다.

그러면 컴공에 전념할 수 있겠지. 

Arts 소속이라 아까운 학점이 문과로 빠질게 좀 아쉽긴 하지만, 일어나 배울까 하는 생각이기도 하고, 정 뭐하다면 고등학교까지 하다 만 불어를 끝까지 배울 수도 있겠지.