20170417 Today's rant

In the forums or internet in general no one cares about you. It's the content they care about, whether that be shitposting or quality shitposting. It's the joy the audience gets that's important. If there's none, you're easily buried and your thread is likely to die real soon. 

You're depressed? Shitpost a sentence. Hey, imma depressed af!1 Someone else will shitreply, yeah me too!@ and that's the end of your rant. Nothing gained. The lack of connection and effort between people is like a secret mutual promise that no one really talks about. One day you're gone; no one's really going to care. Yes they will care, of course; but will it be sincere? Not sure about that.

You're depressed, want to rant? The sentence given above, in italics, is too short for you to include your emotions? Sorry, no one has time to listen to your shit. Go somewhere else. Maybe a consultant would be nice. 

I'm fine with this and I will continue to be fine with this rule, because it's also how I treat others online. This makes it easy; it makes connections easier to cut and/or make.

But it does have its problems. The more time I spend on the internet, the more empty I feel IRL. The correlation between internet life and IRL is inversely proportionate. 

Otherwise, I'm derailing, but I'm really finding it difficult to make boundaries between IRL and internet friends. Internet friends share hobbies and favorites. They gladly accept my presence. Dunno whether they care about me though. There's too many things that are covered in order to find out their true thoughts. I'm probably one of the most honest people on the web. I sometimes feel as if I'm giving out too much, and people around me probably have felt this and know about it. 

I hate the fact that at some point I have to admit being a girl. Happened twice in my gaming hobby as of now, but the second one I don't know if it was a good choice. I don't care about lewd jokes and I really don't get offended, but there are people who do feel uncomfortable and if I seriously think about it, listening to these matters aren't supposed to be nice, really. I've basically given up on that part so maybe that's why I really don't get offended by anything anymore. But both times I have to admit that admitting to being a girl sometimes also makes me feel like there's some barrier between. The grill barrier. lol. Hate to admit but exists somehow in some form, mild but clearly there.

IRL friends care about me but don't really share any common likes. I've come to the point that I don't really believe my IRL friends care about me that much either. It's just a form of manner, just being kind. I don't have any best friends. 

I'm an introvert and care about how others think of me too much. I had a weeb friend but she's out of this weeb business and I'm not confident in discussing weeb things with her; I'm afraid she'll get sick of it. Koreans think weeb matter makes people anti-social, childish, and/or *insert negative comment here*. Partially the reason I find Koreans generally hard to get along with. In Korea it's either you don't watch anime, or you're really the PG18 guy looking at animuu, creepily watching vids in a dark room, clutching your dakimakura.

When I meet a person, I start to think about many things they could be thinking about myself. My mind is too simple to look through all circumstances, and I easily come up with the conclusion: this person's not fit for me.

I've been on osu! forums lately, and I was quite surprised by the lack of word filtering in forums. "fuck" and "shit" were a natural occurrance. I still feel uncomfortable at times using those words, but I do use them a lot in real life and they do get points across. 

I don't want to study for maths. Maths suck. Paper 3 is hard. I don't get it.