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Followup on the following rant: http://evertokki.tistory.com/202


~Obligatory introductory paragraph~


So. It's been five months since I've written this post. And there's events that happened in my life that I want to follow up with. Some exciting things, others a little more boring, and some more just to reiterate my point. A lot of things happened. I rode a plane by myself. It was a 10 hour long flight. I sat to a couple. They told me how I reminded them of their son. I had a few thoughts to myself. I wondered when my parents could travel like the couple they were. Out of their long due responsibilities, nothing to worry about. No work, no kid to take care of.


I'm deviating from the original topic. Let's get straight into this.


Regarding the following sections:

I'm fine with this and I will continue to be fine with this rule, because it's also how I treat others online. This makes it easy; it makes connections easier to cut and/or make.


But it does have its problems. The more time I spend on the internet, the more empty I feel IRL. The correlation between internet life and IRL is inversely proportionate. 


I've been at university for approximately 20 days now. I have been much less frequent on forums, and I don't find this to be concerning at all. I feel separate from the internet. Whatever happens online does not affect me in any way possible, because I have good friends, I'm on track, and I know my internet friends are also supportive of me taking this path. 


Seriously, all the emo days I've had and all the stress, concerns I've gotten from the internet for the past nine months? Gone. I've got more important matters to deal with and I've got more closer social relationships to build that are tangible and real. Right in front of me, instead of miles away.


Otherwise, I'm derailing, but I'm really finding it difficult to make boundaries between IRL and internet friends. Internet friends share hobbies and favorites. They gladly accept my presence. Dunno whether they care about me though. There's too many things that are covered in order to find out their true thoughts. I'm probably one of the most honest people on the web. I sometimes feel as if I'm giving out too much, and people around me probably have felt this and know about it.


Let me tell a story related to my hobby though. My main goal of coming to university was to share my passion of gaming with others. And you know what? I did. I made a friend who plays osu!, and a friend who plays League of Legends. I've got about four more friends willing to learn League (Although I'll try to think about the choices I make. This isn't one of the good ones.) and it honestly feels great. Being able to share a passion IRL seriously feels much more stable, more solid and not to mention you could hit them up any time - well, not literally - and go play a few games with them.


I hate the fact that at some point I have to admit being a girl. Happened twice in my gaming hobby as of now, but the second one I don't know if it was a good choice. I don't care about lewd jokes and I really don't get offended, but there are people who do feel uncomfortable and if I seriously think about it, listening to these matters aren't supposed to be nice, really. I've basically given up on that part so maybe that's why I really don't get offended by anything anymore. But both times I have to admit that admitting to being a girl sometimes also makes me feel like there's some barrier between. The grill barrier. lol. Hate to admit but exists somehow in some form, mild but clearly there.


This still exists, and it's part of the reason I'm more reluctant to talk with the community I've been with. I know it's at the back of everyone's minds. No matter how masculine I act, no matter what. My gender is, and will continue to be an object at least within the community I am currently active in. I have no desire to change that fact, nor others have the willingness to follow whatever I say. This is called coexisting. I don't touch anything; they don't, either.


IRL friends care about me but don't really share any common likes. I've come to the point that I don't really believe my IRL friends care about me that much either. It's just a form of manner, just being kind. I don't have any best friends.


I now have a group of friends. They're kinda overscheduling themselves and I understand but I feel like they're trying to overdo themselves... And that doesn't end that well, to be honest. I'll see how it goes but I can see myself being less frequent with them. Because I'm busy. Because I have lots of material to cover. Otherwise it's been great. Everyone's so kind and knows how to respect each other and I feel respected.


There's also another group of nerdies that I've hung out for a day. And that day left a strong impression on me. I miss them. I haven't seen them since that day though.. Basically they were kids from the Faculty of Sciences, but they had similar humor and interests as I did. Hanging out with them felt like I was in the right place. But since we live so far away (it's a 20 minute walk by foot from my house to theirs although we all live on campus) I've never gotten a chance to meet them ever since. Bummed.


And there are my two friends who share the same interests as I do. I really miss them too. I want to meet them soon, but I don't know when that will be. I really need to play osu! together. It's gonna be fun.


When I meet a person, I start to think about many things they could be thinking about myself. My mind is too simple to look through all circumstances, and I easily come up with the conclusion: this person's not fit for me.


This still stands true. I'm afraid of being judged. I always overthink about what people think of me. I am nervous and cannot keep conversations going. I think about the most boring topics ever. But I've made quite some friends, and I'm happy I did so. I'm excited for the school year (but a lot scared too). It's going to be great.

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