20190530 Today's rant

Yo. Long time no blog. I've been having a lot of things on my mind lately and a lot of growth too. I broke up with my boyfriend three months ago, and I've grown so much since then I thought I might as well write about stuff I've learnt. So here I am.

First month was bad. But it was okay to be miserable. I fucked up on my midterms and stuff but it was okay. (Actually it was not and my professors had no mercy but at least I didn't fail anything.) I let myself be okay and sad first. I think that helped a lot.

Second month was also bad but less bad. I had more time in hand, although it also meant a lot of late night thoughts endlessly occupying my mind. So they balanced out? Hmm. I made more real friends, as in, I got closer to my old friends and realized what it meant to have a close friend. It's a nice feeling, I gotta say. We went shopping together, spent a movie night wasted, took funny pictures and had good times and I feel comfortable opening up a bit more than I used to. :)

Third month was still difficult as fuck but I found myself more productive than when I was in a relationship. Ironic. Although I miss the companionship, this finals exam season wasn't that bad. If anything, I studied more than before and that makes me sad. Why can't my productivity and a relationship work at the same time?! It'd be great if I could have both.

Today I finally visited a mental clinic and diagnosed the root of my problems and turns out it's mild depression but it's been going on for some time (at least three years) so the doctor decided it might be a good idea to medicate me. Turns out it was a good idea. Depression is an imbalance of hormones so I'm all for meds that fix it as long as I don't kill my liver in the process. I didn't think about him tonight, which is the one thought that always kept me up at night. Can't believe something so small (the medicine) can actually make an impact. I'm much more content going to bed. The antidepressants I'm taking tomorrow morning is supposed to let myself be a little bit more motivated, I hope it clears a bit of my brain fog. Anyways. I learned a lot about me and how I work, what I want is still a work in progress but I'm happy just being myself. I just miss my friend, that's all. I've been meeting TONS of my old and new friends and the empty space of that one person is still pretty significant. Ouch. :')

Maybe one day we could meet as friends again. Until that day I'll work on becoming the best version of myself. :) Cheers, people.