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늘 준비해왔었다고 생각했다

언제나 핸드폰을 열면 그 소식이 들려올거라는것도 알고 있었다

그냥 곧, 두달정도만 더 버티면 다시 만날 수 있을거라고 생각했다

그렇게 생각해왔던지라 무의식적으로 그 사실을 무시하고 있었기 때문에 더 할머니 소식을 안 물어봤던걸지도 모른다

마지막으로 통화했던게 지난달이었던가


근데 막상 소식을 들으니까 다르다

나는 그동안 나를 사랑해주신것에 감사하고, 마지막까지 고생하신것에 대해 안타까워해야하는가

누군가를 안타까워하기엔 난 그럴 자격이 없다

하지만 내가 사랑했던 존재가 이 세상에 없다는게 느껴지니 너무 슬프다


오늘 할머니는 5년의 길고 힘든 싸움을 마치시고 하늘나라로 떠나셨습니다

아직도 와닿지는 않지만 삼가 고인의 명복을 빕니다. 


할머니 사랑해요

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개강한지 이틀.

집에 돌아와서 힘들어서 한숨쉬다가 나도 모르게 "죽고싶다.."라고 중얼거렸다.

내가 한 말을 듣고 내가 더 놀랐던듯.


마지막으로 이랬던게 거진 일년 전인가.

오스 금단현상인건지 뭔지.

우울한 하루였다.


교수님은 수업 끝나면 날 거들떠도 안보지, 애들은 개미떼처럼 많지, 수업은 지루한데다가 

카운셀러들도 바쁘고 내 말을 들어줄 사람이 하나도 없었던 날.

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Three people I have found myself to find attractive in my life.



One, lost respect when we started discussing feminism


Two, never had anything to respect him for, but he's a really nice friend


Three, lost respect when his tone changed just because we became close friends


Respect is not that hard to keep but is really easy to lose

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part time offer experience LOL.

things to do/prepare when going to the airport

things to do/prepare when going to uni overseas without a family

korea

internet

death

the reason i rant

game's significance


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sorry

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1 friend doing a resit

2 friends who lowered their grades, so graduating next year

3 subjects I was proud of but screwed up the exam

4 friends I miss

5 working days, low pay, nowhere to get a job

6 days until I visit Japan

7 days in a week

8 airline fees are expensive

9 family is unstable

10 coming down to myself, the sole reason

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Internet takes up a lot of my awake hours.

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Guilt and rich


Why must I feel guilty about living a better quality life than someone else?

Before that, let me talk a little about our family and our family's financial situation.


My dad works at Hyundai. In Korea, Hyundai is something similar to a Samsung or Google equivalent. A good workplace, to say. He is an expatriate, meaning that we travel overseas a lot (usually 4 years overseas with 2 years in between, living in Korea) and meaning that we have benefits, such as the company paying a proportion of our tuition fees / rent / having higher wage. However, in Korea, tuition is free / the higher wage overseas covers for the higher prices they have; considering this, when living overseas, rent is the only thing that gives us a more tangible benefit. 


However, living overseas is a cause of jealousy, among many people. My Korean friends, family members, etc, etc. They all think I'm rich as fuck, living the overseas life when I try to buy this less, that less. I've never bought any clothes for the past two years; I still use an iphone 4s, with a mid-2012 macbook pro. Accessories? Nothing. Even my schoolbag is at least 3 years old. I never really buy any games except undertale, which i bought and really, I rarely spend money on anything. Doesn't help the fact that our family still is short on fund and that my university tuitions are expensive as fuck. The past three years of not spending money on anything and it all goes out on tuition, and I'll still have to literally starve to get through uni, at least until I get a job. And everyone around me will still be jealous of my life. And there will be me, still starving as fuck, while others mock me on how rich I am. 


Why do I have to feel guilty from others' jealousy? Every time they say something like, "You're so lucky" or "I'm so jealous". Why do I have to be guilty of what I have? Why does our family still have to struggle to save so much when the only feedback we get are jealousy? At least make us rich and say something like "You're so lucky". Our family is just another ordinary. It's just that I was lucky enough to be able to attend uni at a foreign place, and I'll still have to save a lot in order to afford it. But all that suffering that our family will take, including myself, will be covered with the notion that our family is rich, and I'll still have to endure others' jealous glances.

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