EverTokki

for the past two and a half years i've been telling myself

"after this week, life's gonna be better"

but it's been an endless cycle, nothing's gotten better.

mental health's been deteoriating.

i need some time to heal up. a reset, some time to reflect on myself.

Surprisingly, I've gotten a few PMs asking me about my improvement and style. I don't consider myself a good enough player for any of these questions just yet; there are many people with faster improvement rates than mine, and I'm still a mere 36k in rank. The only thing I consider to be my strength for this game is my perseverance, and that's what I'm going to talk about in this thread. 

To start off, people have told me I have more than average improvement rates so this might be really biased, but this thread's about my own experience. 

I've had around three mini-walls byfar. The first two, I was able to overcome by changing my settings. The first wall from 3-4*, I changed my skin. The second wall from 4-5*, I changed my input device (trackpad -> tablet). The third wasn't a problem with the environment. It was actually a problem with my skill. I was lacking in a lot of places. I had bad aim, I had no stamina, and I couldn't read. My pp wasn't improving at all despite three months of consistant play and a 100 hours in the same star range. That's a lot considering I've only played this game for a year.

It's frustrating, and I doubt I'm still out of the wall. During the three months, the more frustrating fact was that I could see myself improving and losing bad habits, but still couldn't gain pp. I had too many shitmisses and just wasn't consistent enough while I could still see that I was good enough to FC a map with decent acc. I also believe some people get stuck due to this reason; they just shitmiss one darn circle and don't get the pp for it.

While caught at a wall, I learned how to alternate. I learned to read cross-screen jumps, do kicksliders, and stream 200BPM consistently. I got my first UR under 100. Still not perfect, but a lot better than before. Still not consistent enough to FC maps, but decent enough to get 97+% acc on maps around 5.5-6* level. 

I took 2 week breaks inbetween, and played tech maps and stuff to improve my reading. I continued to enjoy the game even though it was super frustrating that I was stuck. Honestly osu is fun if you don't think about pp. Then you just remember you're stuck and you're frustrated again...

Anyways.

A few days ago I finally made some scores that made it to my top 10. Not suuper good scores, but decent plays. my previous plays were around 170pp and I couldn't get something over those, but I've made a few more 180-190pp scores. This is the farming phase, while I'm still frustrated I shitmiss, I play a lot more maps that are around 1.5 minutes and try to gain as much pp possible from the range of 170-190. 

So, don't be pressurized to improve. If you play a lot, you're bound to improve. Unless you're at your peak ability. Improvement rates slow down from there, and that's the point where I believe I will quit the game for good. So until then, please enjoy game and have fun.

2017

Sep 23rd: Girls Learning Code Photo-Editing with Pixlr

2018

Jan 13-14: nwHacks 2018

Jan 20, Feb 3: UBC GIRLsmarts4tech Hardware Workshop

Jan 25: UBC TCF Volunteer

[PENDING] Aug 12-16: SIGGRAPH Student Volunteer 2018

Job experience:
Aug-Dec 2017: Place Vanier dining hall

[PENDING] Aug 2018: Jump Start Orientation Leader

닿을 듯 말듯

사라질 듯 말듯

너랑 대화할 때면 너무 좋은데 

네가 없으면 너무 외로워

있잖아, 수업 같이 듣는 애가 하나 있는데

너랑은 너무 다른데, 또 다른 매력이 있어

우린 서로의 이름밖에 모르는데 말이야

(혹시 몰라서 하는 말이지만 다른 생각은 없어, 난 지금도 네가 너무 좋은걸)

하지만 걔랑 대화할 때면 네 생각이 나

내 모든 대화를 들어주는 너

내가 무엇을 하소연하든 괜찮다고 말해주는 너

너는 아직도 매일 내 생각만 하고 있을까

혹여 다른 사람을 만나진 않을까

난 매일매일이 이렇게나 힘든데 오랜 시간을 버틸수 있을지 난 잘 모르겠어

어쩌다 넌 나같은 사람을 만난건지

우린 왜 그렇게 죽이 잘 맞던건지

24시간 넘게 떨어져 있는 거리에 사는데

어쩌다 마주치게 된건지

근데 무서워

어떻게 될지 모르겠어

너는 이렇게나 날 위해줬는데 내가 다 보답해줄지 못할까봐

상처만 남기고 끝날까봐 무서워

아직도 서로 이렇게나 좋아하는데

끝은 해피엔딩이 아닐까봐

Let's go to see the stars and the moon

I'll fly far into space as long as I am with you

The light in my bright eyes when you are near

The flutter i feel in my chest when you are here

I can't explain this kind of love

It pulls me to you, I want it, I can't get enough

So share this precious life with me

Just take my hand and let's enjoy the things that we'll see.

우울한 한 해였나보다. 단어구름이.. 우울하다. 근데 우울했던것에 비해서는 잘 지내고 있다. 2018년도 잘 부탁해요, 티스토리 그리고 여러분.

I remembered I got accepted into MEng Comp Sci at University of Bristol.

I kinda regret making my decision to come here, where it's really difficult to get into the computer science program and risking all this stress. The MEng program was much more structured and hard core, looking at C in first year along with other courses that seemed tough and helpful to understand computers. It's also a 5 year program in which you can earn a Masters, along with an Engineering degree.

However, I've also met great people here, and I won't regret coming here if I end up getting into CPSC. So that's my only hope. Getting into computer sciences. Hopefully I'll make it.

Why did I like travelling?

Because I make a lot of mistakes and make a lot of social connections I don't desire. (Usually this is my fault as I've always been afraid to truly be myself in front of others, hence creating an image of myself that I did not believe to be myself in truth.) So far in my life, travelling to a new country has been my escape, my part of lifestyle to ditch the previous social connections I've made that I wasn't satisfied with. I've left a lot of my friends behind. I have ghosted many, many friends' messages in the past. I was not ready to keep socializing with people I thought I would never meet again, or people I just didn't feel like I was close enough to.

I realized they were great friends and I hope the best for them. I'm thankful for their attempts at keeping social contact. Many have left and probably met better friends than who I was a few years or even months ago. I've changed drastically in the three months I've come to uni, and I have learned a lot of things. I've regained contact with previous friends that I have ghosted. I'm thankful for those who I've regained contact recently and from now on I'll try my best to keep contacting them. 

Why do I like being on an airplane?

When on an airplane, I don't have any responsibilities. My only responsibility is to arrive there safe. I have little luggage on hand. When I'm at school, I have to study, keep grades intact, keep my social life intact, feed myself so that I don't die. Wash clothes, shower, clean room. When I'm in Korea, I have to meet my family, try and spend as much time with them because chances are, who knows how long you'll be able to spend time with these people. Every moment is valuable, that's what I learned from years of being a borderless nomad.

So... I like being on an airplane. There's no hurry for anything. The time's there for me and myself only. I have around 10 hours to do anything I want, nothing to be stressful for, and that's why I look forward to being on an airplane.

I am going to slowly write about my depression, how I feel at this moment, the reason of fear, and what I wish to do. Probably something my counsellor would like to read as it is much harder to organize my thoughts / to list every source of depression while speaking. (it's easier to miss details) 

Pre pre depression, lethargy through high school. Didn't want to study, felt tired. Always slept late without having any solid outcomes. 

Pre depression. The last two months of university. Screwed up sleep schedule (sleep 2-4am, wake up 10-11am), messy room, messy schedule for myself. I attended every meeting or event on time, but couldn't stick to my laundry/study/shower schedule I thought for myself. Sometimes slept through/woke up late to lectures only to doze off during lectures. Felt super horrible for sleeping off a class that my parents paid tuition for.

Depression. Super screwed up sleep schedule. Sleeping at 4am seems like a breeze, cannot wake up early. Started sleeping through alarms (5+ of them), wake up 2-3pm feeling like absolute crap. Scared that I might miss a 8:30AM finals sleeping like this. Glad my job ended before the finals season. Lazy to meet up with friends, missed two events that I said I'd go to.

Have been eating about 1.5x the amount I've been eating this term for the week, but more so because I've tried to spend less money on food this term. So eating right now, rather, is the normal amount I should get. Though I've eaten about one or two meals average per day for the past week, one meal yesterday. 

Tried to study, cannot focus for more than 5 minutes. I either fall asleep, go on a SNS, chat to friends, or just spend some more time anxious and blank with the fear I might fail this final. (The final tomorrow is a pass or fail depending on the score on my final.) I'm also scared since I'm pulling an all nighter, afraid I might miss my alarm for the 8:30AM final. I could've slept earlier, but I couldn't study the whole day so I'll have to pull one. I am pretty confident this is not harming my balance as I have woken up 3PM today after an 11 hours of sleep. 

My plan is to take the exam, reward myself with bubble tea, come back to dorm, take a good sleep. I won't have to be worried for exams for another good solid four days so I am pretty excited for it. But then I know I must defeat this final before even thinking about that, which I am not even ready for. I don't know what to think, I'm just anxious and disappointed in myself.

Some reasons:

- I think I'm not achieving as much as how much my parents put in

- international tuition fees are ass

- dad doesn't make that much to be able to pay tuition and not to worry about my outcome

- people tell me "you're not that financially troubled to be worried about your family's financial status all the time", which i think is true, but we're not that financially stable to be not worried about my outcome either

- its sad how perfectly happy i am and just being dragged down only by academics

- maybe studying isnt for me but then i've come too far to give up

- like i really dont want to care but there's still guilt saying nah you shouldda care, caused by the moneys spent into my education

- I've lived the "ideal" life, like parents investing tons in education and living overseas but the outcome isnt too special compared to this "special" life i've lived and my parents dont even want much, they want me to be happy and ordinarily achieving in academics yet I think I'm pathetic and underachieved

- never really had willpower in my life except for gaming which im not even exceptionally good at