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Some good things:

Got back from 3 jobs after 7 applications

Got to be exec for two clubs that I am really excited for :)

Got a job offer after an interview! Hell I thought I was bad at interviews but I prepped a little bit for this one, as in thinking about some common questions and answers in advance but a hard question was "what do you think about punctuality" because I didn't know what punctuality meant so I had to ask. Fuck my vocab skills, I suck at this (but I answered goodly)

Boyfriend is super cute. Never fail to make me happy all the time :D


Some bad things:

Didn't get the job I was pretty hyped up for

My uhh current part time job supervisor hasnt been contacting me for a week

Stress from exam?!??! I dont like calculus. :(

Tomorrow's my birthday and I literally feel 0 connection to my birth like what's special about my birthday? I dont know

Worried I might be homeless this May


Some things to myself:

I need time off, a week to do absolutely nothing and to not feel guilty about it and not pressurized, I just need that time off like PLEASE let me LIVE GUILTLESS

I have to do laundry, clean my room

Three alcoholic parties scheduled one after another after the 25th, I'm ready to die. :)

My plan is to not drink much on each.


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I have a few traits, that I think, others would deem as "unfavorable" and even "pathetic" and/or "sociopatheic" if I ever show that part of myself. I'm guessing everyone has one, their meaner/darker selves they really don't want to share with others. This has been stressing me out for a long time. I hated dealing with my pathetic part of myself, not being able to share it with anyone and becoming more disappointed in myself without being able to find a resolution. It's not really something you would share, to be honest, unless to a counsellor or something. 


Recently I've found someone who I was able to share this to. I was able to tell them about how I felt and really tell them about what I thought was concerning of myself. They did not judge at all. Instead, they asked why it was making me uncomfortable. I still feel unsure of myself, but maybe they believe in me more than I do. I feel a lot more assured, a lot less worried. I don't really know what to say, it's been quite an enlightening experience and a very interesting connection we've made and it's really weird, I've been enjoying it.

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The more I stay on the internet, the more I realize people just need someone to talk to.

This is easy online, because you know the person you're talking to is a complete stranger. You don't have to be scared of them badmouthing you to someone else, to your friend, relatives, etc. You might never really get to know the person you're talking to, but maybe that's also the good side of the internet. I dunno, stranger. If I've ever been a help to you, I'm glad.

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Being financially independent


I'm not financially independent. My family provides my tuition and my residence fees, which means I got my food to cover for myself. It's a small step, but trust me I'm on my way.


I use around $300 per month for food. I earn around $500 per month. This means even after I eat, there'll be money left. I tuck away the $100, I have the $100 to spend. I think it's a good amount considering that I'm studying and working at the same time. And I'm not desperate for money. So all's good. I'm enjoying life so far. 


I've ordered a TADA68 along with a set of DSA keycaps. It cost tons, but that's what's been keeping me going for the past month. It's worth it. Money's worth it.

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Followup on the following rant: http://evertokki.tistory.com/202


~Obligatory introductory paragraph~


So. It's been five months since I've written this post. And there's events that happened in my life that I want to follow up with. Some exciting things, others a little more boring, and some more just to reiterate my point. A lot of things happened. I rode a plane by myself. It was a 10 hour long flight. I sat to a couple. They told me how I reminded them of their son. I had a few thoughts to myself. I wondered when my parents could travel like the couple they were. Out of their long due responsibilities, nothing to worry about. No work, no kid to take care of.


I'm deviating from the original topic. Let's get straight into this.


Regarding the following sections:

I'm fine with this and I will continue to be fine with this rule, because it's also how I treat others online. This makes it easy; it makes connections easier to cut and/or make.


But it does have its problems. The more time I spend on the internet, the more empty I feel IRL. The correlation between internet life and IRL is inversely proportionate. 


I've been at university for approximately 20 days now. I have been much less frequent on forums, and I don't find this to be concerning at all. I feel separate from the internet. Whatever happens online does not affect me in any way possible, because I have good friends, I'm on track, and I know my internet friends are also supportive of me taking this path. 


Seriously, all the emo days I've had and all the stress, concerns I've gotten from the internet for the past nine months? Gone. I've got more important matters to deal with and I've got more closer social relationships to build that are tangible and real. Right in front of me, instead of miles away.


Otherwise, I'm derailing, but I'm really finding it difficult to make boundaries between IRL and internet friends. Internet friends share hobbies and favorites. They gladly accept my presence. Dunno whether they care about me though. There's too many things that are covered in order to find out their true thoughts. I'm probably one of the most honest people on the web. I sometimes feel as if I'm giving out too much, and people around me probably have felt this and know about it.


Let me tell a story related to my hobby though. My main goal of coming to university was to share my passion of gaming with others. And you know what? I did. I made a friend who plays osu!, and a friend who plays League of Legends. I've got about four more friends willing to learn League (Although I'll try to think about the choices I make. This isn't one of the good ones.) and it honestly feels great. Being able to share a passion IRL seriously feels much more stable, more solid and not to mention you could hit them up any time - well, not literally - and go play a few games with them.


I hate the fact that at some point I have to admit being a girl. Happened twice in my gaming hobby as of now, but the second one I don't know if it was a good choice. I don't care about lewd jokes and I really don't get offended, but there are people who do feel uncomfortable and if I seriously think about it, listening to these matters aren't supposed to be nice, really. I've basically given up on that part so maybe that's why I really don't get offended by anything anymore. But both times I have to admit that admitting to being a girl sometimes also makes me feel like there's some barrier between. The grill barrier. lol. Hate to admit but exists somehow in some form, mild but clearly there.


This still exists, and it's part of the reason I'm more reluctant to talk with the community I've been with. I know it's at the back of everyone's minds. No matter how masculine I act, no matter what. My gender is, and will continue to be an object at least within the community I am currently active in. I have no desire to change that fact, nor others have the willingness to follow whatever I say. This is called coexisting. I don't touch anything; they don't, either.


IRL friends care about me but don't really share any common likes. I've come to the point that I don't really believe my IRL friends care about me that much either. It's just a form of manner, just being kind. I don't have any best friends.


I now have a group of friends. They're kinda overscheduling themselves and I understand but I feel like they're trying to overdo themselves... And that doesn't end that well, to be honest. I'll see how it goes but I can see myself being less frequent with them. Because I'm busy. Because I have lots of material to cover. Otherwise it's been great. Everyone's so kind and knows how to respect each other and I feel respected.


There's also another group of nerdies that I've hung out for a day. And that day left a strong impression on me. I miss them. I haven't seen them since that day though.. Basically they were kids from the Faculty of Sciences, but they had similar humor and interests as I did. Hanging out with them felt like I was in the right place. But since we live so far away (it's a 20 minute walk by foot from my house to theirs although we all live on campus) I've never gotten a chance to meet them ever since. Bummed.


And there are my two friends who share the same interests as I do. I really miss them too. I want to meet them soon, but I don't know when that will be. I really need to play osu! together. It's gonna be fun.


When I meet a person, I start to think about many things they could be thinking about myself. My mind is too simple to look through all circumstances, and I easily come up with the conclusion: this person's not fit for me.


This still stands true. I'm afraid of being judged. I always overthink about what people think of me. I am nervous and cannot keep conversations going. I think about the most boring topics ever. But I've made quite some friends, and I'm happy I did so. I'm excited for the school year (but a lot scared too). It's going to be great.

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So I was looking at old stuff, from somewhen around 2013-2015. 

This time around was kind of a life changing experience for me so to say.


Mid 2012, a Korean Drama called "Phantom" aired; it was about the cyber police and hackers.

That's when I was like "oh that's cool as heck!!"

(And at this time there were about 2500 more kids who felt the same way)


With a little search I was able to find a forum made for kids around my age to study hacking and stuff. It was rather full of scriptkiddies but little did I know about this world. Though, instead of getting into game hacks or little skills that'd break websites here and there (xss was a huge thing) I rather went into learning the C language. Of course my dream was to become the cyber police.


March 2013. I was still learning C. What a dumbass Well, I was kinda done with C, and I was tired of it. I never got into more than the basics, so I could solve Dovelet problems (like algorithm-related problems) but nothing like playing with APIs, graphics, etc. I started to look into CTFs. Miscellaneous problems were fun so I'd take a look at those and chat up with other people participating. I played a little with forensics and cryptography. I never got deep into those.


September 2013. I got accepted (more like invited) to team LeaveRet by a friend I've known since 2012. (He's still a close friend.) This is where I started learning the really basics of syshack(system hacking). You can see my studies in the category ~ 2015/Lord of the BOF. Learned a lot about system architecture, and those things that I can't remember one bit.


Overall I'm not really that logical and I don't math well either so I'm really unfit for these number stuff. I eventually gave up when I started to feel burned out trying to even understand Return-Oriented Programming. I literally spent months trying to understand the basics and failing to do so. Though, I wouldn't call those days wasted. It was a time I was passionate about something, and I really wanted to become a security enthusiast. Although I barely made any progress it was a good time.


By early 2015 I said goodbye to my teammates. I wasn't doing any progress nor helping them with anything on their competitions. Staying in the team seemed rather pointless and not beneficial to me either. I was losing too much time reading research papers I didn't understand, and I had to focus more on my schoolwork. I think this was a good time to quit the team though. Looking back, I was really, really afraid to leave since I was afraid I'd regret it later on. I don't regret it at all. I don't know how much longer I could've spent on trying to understand ROP, when I could be having more fun doing schoolwork and playing with friends.


Since then my dream has changed once again. Now I want to be a developer. I'm debating between a game graphic programmer (working with the graphics team to make sure all graphics function well and are programmed to do what they should) or a game server developer (or game developer is fine too). The former seems rather unlikely regarding my lack of art-related history but latter seems quite a tough goal for me to achieve. 


Hopefully I'll be able to fulfill my expectations. When I get the time (and maybe brain) to resume my studies on system security, I really want to try again too.

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Someone's thread in OT pushed me back into the Imagine Dragons roll. Now I'm just listening to their songs nonstop, weeb days are gone. lmao rip.


Lemme talk a little about Imagine Dragons and their significance on my life. 


Many people around me found ID while playing League of Legends around 2014. I know this because I have a number of friends from that game that know the band.. But I believe I've listened to their songs long before that. 


My first memory of ID's song is listening it from a radio. It wasn't once; they were several times. I'm pretty sure it was Demons, because I remember googling the lyrics "this is my kingdom, come". That was my first experience with their song. I also think I've thought their band name was pretty cool.


Then I heard On Top of the World. Seriously, I have no idea where I heard this song. I don't think it's from the radio, so it's most likely from YouTube or something like that. Who knows. I was following their twitter, especially after their collab with Riot Games. I've heard that they were releasing a new album. (This was also the time where I Bet My Life was building hype.) Cover art looked cool, the songs not really attractive except I Bet My Life.


I was wrong, because soon enough I got to hear the whole album. That usual first-time-don't-like syndrome, known exclusively to ID fans. This was around 2015, I suppose.


That was enough of my memory-digging, wow. Almost digressed from the topic.


2015. During the whole summer of 2015 I had to study for SATs at Korea (I'd returned for the summer). Korea sounds awesome. Great food, great people, convenient tech. Familiar places, transportations are easy to access, I've got freedom. That's all enjoyable and stuff, until you realize you're korean so you'll have to attend academies during your two months of vacation.


So my daily routine was: 

    8:00: leave home to ride a subway 

    8:30: arrive at academy

    8:30~13:00: listen to classes

    ~13:30: eat lunch

    ~18:00: study until 6PM, 

    ~19:00: arrive home, eat dinner.


Daily. Fucking terrible, I'm not used to this stuff. Imagine Dragons really helped me through this period, and I listened to their songs every single minute I was on the subway, bus, or studying. I listened to their songs for a month and could memorize the whole two albums just before their concert. By the way, their concert was a fantastic experience too. 


So, 2016. This was a tough year, As a junior, we had started our IB program. "The International Baccalaureate (IB) is your child's passport to a well-rounded and outstanding global education." This really had me dead. I've gotten depression just alone from this program, although as it's been less depressing since I've finished my courses and my sufferings are almost gone. 


During summer vacation of 2016, I had to visit Korea again. (Again, fucking terrible) This time my daily routine was similar but I just attended two academies instead of one. I'd come back home around 10PM. This was another round with ID songs. Just the two albums, over and over again.


ID's songs are really quite deep, and they really know how to compose those "shit". Their songs rather follow a generic pattern, beat and rhythm but I really focus more on the lyrics and the lyrics are truly what makes their song special, along with the artistic covers and unusual melody. I'm listening to Shots right now. All their songs are so special. 


Somehow Shots reminds me of the day I visited Moscow(or St.Petersburg, I don't remember)'s Hard Rock Cafe just to ask them for ID's huge placard lmao. Unfortunately they didn't have any ID merch, so I asked for the placard that was hanging on the wall. It was a joke but the woman probably thought 'what is wrong with this kid' and she was like, nope. Not allowed. ;D


Exams are literally around the edge, more like in my face now but you see, important things make procrastination shine. So here's my procrastination for the day. o/


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In the forums or internet in general no one cares about you. It's the content they care about, whether that be shitposting or quality shitposting. It's the joy the audience gets that's important. If there's none, you're easily buried and your thread is likely to die real soon. 


You're depressed? Shitpost a sentence. Hey, imma depressed af!1 Someone else will shitreply, yeah me too!@ and that's the end of your rant. Nothing gained. The lack of connection and effort between people is like a secret mutual promise that no one really talks about. One day you're gone; no one's really going to care. Yes they will care, of course; but will it be sincere? Not sure about that.


You're depressed, want to rant? The sentence given above, in italics, is too short for you to include your emotions? Sorry, no one has time to listen to your shit. Go somewhere else. Maybe a consultant would be nice. 


I'm fine with this and I will continue to be fine with this rule, because it's also how I treat others online. This makes it easy; it makes connections easier to cut and/or make.


But it does have its problems. The more time I spend on the internet, the more empty I feel IRL. The correlation between internet life and IRL is inversely proportionate. 


Otherwise, I'm derailing, but I'm really finding it difficult to make boundaries between IRL and internet friends. Internet friends share hobbies and favorites. They gladly accept my presence. Dunno whether they care about me though. There's too many things that are covered in order to find out their true thoughts. I'm probably one of the most honest people on the web. I sometimes feel as if I'm giving out too much, and people around me probably have felt this and know about it. 


I hate the fact that at some point I have to admit being a girl. Happened twice in my gaming hobby as of now, but the second one I don't know if it was a good choice. I don't care about lewd jokes and I really don't get offended, but there are people who do feel uncomfortable and if I seriously think about it, listening to these matters aren't supposed to be nice, really. I've basically given up on that part so maybe that's why I really don't get offended by anything anymore. But both times I have to admit that admitting to being a girl sometimes also makes me feel like there's some barrier between. The grill barrier. lol. Hate to admit but exists somehow in some form, mild but clearly there.


IRL friends care about me but don't really share any common likes. I've come to the point that I don't really believe my IRL friends care about me that much either. It's just a form of manner, just being kind. I don't have any best friends. 


I'm an introvert and care about how others think of me too much. I had a weeb friend but she's out of this weeb business and I'm not confident in discussing weeb things with her; I'm afraid she'll get sick of it. Koreans think weeb matter makes people anti-social, childish, and/or *insert negative comment here*. Partially the reason I find Koreans generally hard to get along with. In Korea it's either you don't watch anime, or you're really the PG18 guy looking at animuu, creepily watching vids in a dark room, clutching your dakimakura.


When I meet a person, I start to think about many things they could be thinking about myself. My mind is too simple to look through all circumstances, and I easily come up with the conclusion: this person's not fit for me.


I've been on osu! forums lately, and I was quite surprised by the lack of word filtering in forums. "fuck" and "shit" were a natural occurrance. I still feel uncomfortable at times using those words, but I do use them a lot in real life and they do get points across. 


I don't want to study for maths. Maths suck. Paper 3 is hard. I don't get it.

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